The Serious and Possibly Dangerous Effects of Taking LSD

PROLOGUE

Quies-etis Amoenus

This is perhaps the only place anywhere in any universe where almost without exception, every single living; respiring organism retires.

This is the Quies-etis Amoenus.

The Dream Land.

Everyone goes there at some time or other, and this is without fail.

The only other place of course is Enfer, Infierno, Hölle, κόλαση, ад.

For those of you who speak neither French, Spanish, German, Greek or Russian, this place is known more commonly to you as:

HELL

* * *

Objects floated past Tom's head, taking on ghostly, ethereal forms. Tom gazed at them curiously, wondering if they were real or simply creations of his mind amplified by what he had taken. He was wondering if he’d ever get out of this dazed half-dream when a tall man, seemingly made from darkness and sewn together sacks moved elegantly yet slowly towards him. He had two dark gashes where he assumed eyes were looking out of; though Tom could see none. Another split appeared, giving the impression of an opening mouth....

GOOD MORNING TOM. I AM THE SANDMAN.

The Sandman pulled out a sack. It was filled with sand. He poured it over Tom’s head.

Tom began to fall into a sleep he knew, and didn’t care; he would never awake from.

Chapter 1

The room was dark and cosy. All the lights were off except for the bedside lamp on the little cupboard under the window. James yawned and typed his goodbyes to his friends before signing off for the night. He stood up to his full height of 6”2. A single glance in the mirror told him he wasn’t well. His skin was pale for one with such dark features which made him look unhealthy at the best of times. He swept his straight black hair out of his midnight eyes and climbed into bed. A moment later his mother entered the room.

“Night, James.” She was tall, like him, and only slightly plump. A head of grey hairs bore the only evidence of the stressful life she led.

“I don’t feel well.”

His mother looked at him hard. Her intense eyes that James had inherited from her cut through him like the gaze of hungry wolves. She finally replied with a smile.

“You’re fine dear. If I didn’t know your incredible acting abilities, maybe I would have given it more thought.”

James stared blankly at her.

“Mum, you know I can’t act. I completely failed drama.”

She grinned at him.

“You say - the boy with five Oscars!”

James sat bemused. “What?”

She waved her hand towards a shelf in his room. Sure enough, there were five gleaming Oscar’s leaning smugly against his wall.

“I’m dreaming,” James decided firmly, and went to sleep.

“Sleep well dear…” His mother said as she turned into an oddly shaped blob named Marvin…

Chapter ? - Bew

James awoke with a start. It was perfectly normal for him to have strange dreams, but he always hated the ones featuring his grandparents wrestling in anti-wrinkle cream, wearing provocative lingerie. He looked around to find a world quite unlike anything he had ever seen. If he was dreaming, he was worried his sanity would never quite be entirely returned to him when he woke up. For one, he was up a tree. It wasn’t uncomfortable either, but he decided he couldn’t spend all day up a tree where he didn’t know where he was and what he was doing there.

He climbed out of his tree and put on some sardines that happened to be passing.

“By golly!” said the sardine as it turned into a nibbled looking penguin. “You are one messed up little boy, aren’t you!”

James glared at it until it spontaneously combusted, and wondered what the hell was going on. He walked, and as he did so he found an interesting looking teapot wearing a sombrero, and conversation began.

“What’s going on?” James asked the teapot politely.

“You’re on a trip, dear James,” it replied with a tea-looking grin.

“Why?”

The teapot flew over James’ shoulder, poured him some tea and flew back.

“It’s what happens if you take acid, my dear child.”

James thought back to when he took the LSD. He remembered sitting in his room, thinking about Jennifer and putting the patch on his arm. He remembered wondering when something would happen. He remembered his mother turning into an oddly shaped blob called Marvin.

He wondered how he had known the blob was called Marvin.

He remembered talking to a flying teapot and then remembered he still was. He looked around for it, only to find it had emptied its contents on his head and flown off with a masked moustache.

“…” James muttered.

A few moments later he found himself in the company of an orange tinted GM cow.

“Moo.” Said the orange tinted GM cow.

James stared at it and wondered what he should say. He decided to moo back.

“Wise move,” said the cow. “Lick your elbow.”

James did so, realised what he had done, licked it again, and realised why it had been decided that ones elbow shouldn’t be licked.

“Eurgh!” he said, and spat it out. “It tastes like Skoda!”

The cow agreed and played him Gymnopedie No1 on classical acoustic guitar with a lamppost.

James waited until the cow had finished, applauded, and then asked for the cows help.

“How can I stop this trip and get home?”

The cow thought about this a long time. Considered cheesecake a longer time, and then decided to tell him.

“I don’t know,” The cow told him. “Follow the yellow brick tortoise and he will lead you to something. He usually does.” And with that, the cow gave a pop and vanished.

“Great help…” James mumbled to himself.

He looked around for the yellow brick tortoise and wasn’t at all surprised to find it crawling slowly up the leg of a giant worm. He sighed. Things didn’t seem to be getting any easier. He approached the worm carefully, so as to avoid stepping on its teeth.

“Excuse me, but could I possibly borrow your yellow brick tortoise?” he asked the worm politely enough. The worm scowled at him.

“This is my tortoise, James. Why should I give it to you?”

It was a fair enough question; the tortoise did not belong to James.

“It doesn’t matter, it was just a question. It just means I can’t get home...”

The worm fluttered its eyelashes at him for a few minutes. James looked at it imploringly to stop. When it eventually did, its teeth dropped out, its eyelashes malted and its legs shrunk into its wormy body under the ground. It had a satisfied look on its face like a small child with a clean nappy.

“I’m sorry for my attitude. My name is Barry. I am Barry the Worm.” The worm said this as if he had expected James to recognise the name.

Instead James stared blankly at it before saying, “Lovely name, truly beautiful. Can I have my tortoise?”

The worm was taken aback that James was not already worshipping him and licking his peristomium. “Why aren’t you already worshipping me and licking my peristomium?” It asked.

James stared at it.

“Look over there! A giant birdie!” he cried, grabbing the yellow brick tortoise and running off with it.

James placed the tortoise on the ground and watched it carefully, hoping it wouldn’t be as slow as he expected. Thankfully it wasn’t, and led him through a field of stick men. They were just leaving when James heard a Bew from nearby.

“Bew!” It said. James searched for what was making the sound, and found what could only be described as a spleen.

The spleen smiled at James and he picked it up. It bewed at him.

“Can you talk?” James asked the spleen.

“Yes of course I can fucking well talk, you insolent shit!”

James dropped it in surprise.

“No need to get angry…” he mumbled. The spleen apologised.

“Look I’m fucking sorry, okay? It’s just I’ve lost my censor. You don’t happen to have one do you?” It said, looking doubtfully at James.

“Erm…No… Sorry. Look, I’m following this yellow brick tortoise. Maybe it can lead you to it?”

The spleen studied James carefully and seemed to be satisfied.

“Fucking hell, you fucking weed! Fine, I’ll come! But only because you won’t ever fucking make it without me!”

James figured this was how spleens talked, and so decided not to take offence. For the first time, James looked at it properly. It looked like a badly drawn cat. Its eyes were too far apart and it had no nose, giving it an adorable look. It was bright pink and glowing slightly.

“Oh, by the fucking way,” the spleen said. “My name is Bew.”

“James,” said James.

“Well then, James,” said Bew. “If we’re going to be travelling with each other, you best be telling me why you’re following this yellow tortoise made of brick?”

James shrugged.

“I’m bored?”

The spleen cursed sharply.

“I want to get home,” James said simply.

Bew coughed.

“Well that’s a bit of a waste…” he muttered.

James asked why.

“Why?”

But the spleen just rolled its dots nonchalantly.

******

“I’m just going to check on James, dear,”

James’ mother knocked softly on his door. “James, darling? Are you awake?” She opened it slowly.

James was topless, and hunched over. He was covered in sweat and shaking uncontrollably.

She went over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“James, are you alright?”

As she turned his chair to face her, she saw with horror, the syringe deeply embedded in his arm…

Chapter ? - Sally

The world was dark. Nothing moved nor made sound. James knelt down and whispered to the spleen.

"Bew." James hissed. "Bew, what's going on?"

"I don't fucking know." It replied solemnly.

James felt around for something that would explain anything. He looked up. The sun was slowly rising a dark, vermillion, red. It shone a little light onto James and Bew, and also on a nearby tree.

The tree was blackened and twisted. So twisted it looked more like barbed wire than anything else, and its colour reminded James of a persons heart; blackened with hatred and jealousy and anger.

Underneath the tree sat a girl. Her long dark hair flowed freely over her shoulders and her autumn red dress covered her and the floor around her completely.

Harps played tunes of glorious wonder, inspiring the very soul of James. He knew he loved this mysterious girl, whoever she was…

James looked down. The spleen was deeply concentrating on playing the harp. It was very beautiful what he was playing, but it was also rather cheesily romantic, and it was starting to make James fall in love.

"Bew…" James said, trying with all his might to prevent his body from falling into the arms of the beautiful girl. "Bew, please…" The spleen carried on playing. "Bew…stop…please…?" The spleen ignored him.

"BEW!"

"Hmm? What?" the spleen awakened from his own trance and gazed dazedly at James. "Oh…sorry…" it looked at him for a few seconds, then its badly drawn face turned into one of sheer horror.

"James!? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO YOUR FUCKING ARM?!?!"

James looked down. His left arm had a hole in it, as though there was something stabbing him, though there was nothing…Blood started to trickle down his arm…

"James, is that supposed to fucking happen?!" cried Bew.

"I…I don't know…" James mumbled.

The bleeding had appeared to have stopped when he heard a voice. It was unclear, yet clear. It was far away, yet near…It was female, and a voice he recognised.

“James darling? Are you awake?”

James looked around for where the voice was coming from. Although it was almost impossible to see, James could tell it wasn't coming from outside his head.

“James, are you alright?”

“Yes I'm fine…” he murmured. “Who are you?”

He heard a scream from inside his head. Then more shrieks and screams emitted from his mind, making his skull throb. He stumbled under the staggering pressure it was making on his brain. Then it stopped.

The girl dropped from the tree in front of him, her black hair sweeping behind her as she fell.

"I'm Sally." She said simply. "James, what's going on?"

THE ENDING (I knowwww, I've skipped most of the story. It IS only a draft)

Bleep. Bleep. Bleep.

“James?”

James stirred.

“Sally?”

His mother held her husband’s hand tightly.

“I…”

James’ heart rate increased.

“Yes?”

Everyone watched terrified.

“I think I love you.”

James’ writhed violently for the very last time.

“I think I love you too.”

The life machine stopped with a tone.